Dear
Fabulous Agent,
Sixteen-year-old
Deirdre Walsh knew that going to stay with her grandfather in Paris was a mistake. Not the
Paris part, but the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and
ruin her summer. But that becomes the least of her worries when his house gets
ransacked on the night she arrives.
Someone
is after the family heirloom—a stone of dubious origin. When pale, clawed men
show up at the Opera House and chase Deirdre up to the roof before shifting
into birds, Deirdre knows the stone is no ordinary trinket. After she manages
to slip out of her aggressors’ grasp, they take her grandfather instead.
Most
girls would go straight to the police.
But
Deirdre isn’t most girls.
If
she wants to ever see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures
into thinking she has the stone. As Deirdre sets off to find it, she discovers
an alternate Paris where myth meets reality. Good thing she meets some
knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Sean, and mild-mannered
neighbor, Luc.
The
creatures, she learns, are faeries descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and
use it to rekindle their dwindling life force. Then, they plan to take control
of the human world. If Deirdre doesn’t find the stone before they do, there may
never again be a place to call home. Not for her. Not for anyone.
MIST
is a YA urban fantasy and complete at 89,000 words. I believe it would appeal
to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s LAMENT and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL
INSTRUMENTS. I am an active member of SCBWI.
Thank
you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Laurence
King
@LaurenceKing
Hi Laurence,
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting me read your query! I love this concept and I look forward to reading it some day. :)
Great first paragraph! I liked your hook and voice. Only suggestion is delete "that" in your first sentence.
"Someone is after the family heirloom" Is the second paragraph the inciting incident? How does she know it's the stone and not something else?
"If she wants to ever see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone. " Wait. What happened to the stone? I thought she had it and that's why grandpa got taken.
"knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Sean" Can you give us something specific about Sean that makes him unique?
I like your comp titles. I have a real feel for your story and I love it already!
Good luck!
Angela #37 on the Query Blog Hop
Thanks, Angela, for your feedback. It's so helpful to get a fresh perspective, and your comments are helping me see what parts need clarification. I'm loving this blog hop :)
DeleteHi Laurence,
ReplyDeleteOverall I think this is very good. These are some questions that came up as I read it:
Dear Fabulous Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Deirdre Walsh knew that going to stay with her grandfather in Paris was a mistake. {Not the Paris part, but the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer.} - I think you can tighten this up, "He'll come up with rules etc., Paris may as well be..--But that becomes the least of her worries when his house gets ransacked on the night she arrives.{I like this}
Someone is after the family heirloom—a stone of dubious origin. When pale, clawed men show up at the Opera House {what Opera House? - do they live in one??} and chase Deirdre up to the roof before shifting into birds, Deirdre knows the stone is no ordinary trinket.{This made me think they took off with the stone - but a sentence in the next paragraph makes me think otherwise} After she manages to slip out of her aggressors’ grasp, they take her grandfather instead.
Most girls would go straight to the police.
But Deirdre isn’t most girls.{nice}
If she wants to {i deleted 'ever' here} see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone. As Deirdre sets off to find it, she discovers an alternate Paris where myth meets reality. Good thing she meets {deleted some} knights-in-(not so)-shining armor; sexy bad boy, Sean, and mild-mannered neighbor, Luc.
The creatures, she learns, are faeries {who've} descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and use it to rekindle their dwindling life force. Then, they plan to take control of the human world. If Deirdre doesn’t find the stone before they do, there may never again be a place to call home. Not for her. Not for anyone.
MIST is a YA urban fantasy and complete at 89,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s LAMENT and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. I am an active member of SCBWI. {What's that? Would they know this acronym - they shouldn't have to look it up} {I like how you fit your comparisons in - very well done.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Laurence King
I think this was really good, which is why I went through the trouble of editing text - just needs minor fine tuning.
p.s. My father's name was Laurent Roy. Roy is French for King - I almost named by daughter Laurence after him - neat coincidence.
Thank you so much for your thorough edit :) I really appreciate it. You made some great comments/suggestions that I will definitely incorporate in my revisions.
DeleteAnd...It's so refreshing to meet people who know my name is a legit woman's name ;)
I'm French, and that name is quite popular amongst French Canadians right now ;)
DeleteHi, Laurence!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - great job with this query! I have a good idea of what Deirdre wants, and what the stakes are. My comments are mainly technical in nature.
I really like your first paragraph - it compelled me to read on. I'd maybe say 'but a dull summer is the least of her problems' instead of 'but that' - very subjective, though! :)
In the second paragraph, although being chased onto the Opera House roof is a REALLY COOL image, I don't really understand how it fits in. Do they live in the Opera House, were they chased there? For this paragraph, you could maybe say something like:
'Someone is after the family heirloom-a stone of dubious origin. Someone willing to chase her across rooftops and take her grandfather hostage until they find out where it is.' If, of course, that's what they are doing. The clawed men sound cool, but I feel this line doesn't connect with how they come to taking her grandfather.
I'd delete the 'but' before Deirdre in the line 'But Deirdre isn't like most girls' and add a line after it saying 'And the family heirloom is no ordinary trinket.' Again, very subjective points so take from them what you will! I do agree with Angela about clarifying why they took her grandfather - is she to find out where the stone is, or do they think she has it, or what?
I'd delete the line about Sean and Luc unless they add conflict or help her in some way - otherwise, I think you could replace this line with something like 'And the men who came for her that night are no ordinary men, but fairies.' Gives us a little bit of conflict to entice us to move onto the next paragraph (from which you would then delete the introductory part about fairies). Again, subjective! :)
I'd delete 'Not for anyone' because there will be a home for the fairies if they succeed, and add 'not for her' onto the previous sentence.
The comp titles are good, and it's good to add the detail about the SCBWI! :)
As you can see these are really just subjective stylistic comments - you definitely have the right components already. Best of luck with this! :)
Thanks, Jen, for your comments! I see that I definitely need to clarify the part about the Opera House (Deirdre is there for a fashion show.) Good to know that it is a bit confusing for most readers.
DeleteHi Laurence
ReplyDeleteI'm now link #41. If you have the time, I'd greatly appreciate a review of my query. Under the title of the blog post, just click on 'comment'
Thanks!
Oh absolutely! Looking forward to it :)
DeleteLovely to know you are French, too!! I'm from Brittany and live in Boston.
Hi Laurence,
ReplyDeleteOverall, I agree this is really good and it's the kind of story I would definitely pick from the shelf to read (love faerie stories and France!). I put some in line comments below deleting some words with ...'s and inserting words or comments with [ ].
Sixteen-year-old Deirdre Walsh knew that going to stay with her grandfather in Paris was a mistake. [At least]…the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer. But that becomes the least of her worries when his house gets ransacked on the night she arrives.
Someone is after the family heirloom—a stone of dubious origin. When pale, clawed men… chase Deirdre up to … [a] roof[top] before shifting into birds, Deirdre knows the stone is no ordinary trinket. After she manages to slip out of her aggressors’ grasp, they take her grandfather instead.
Most girls would go straight to the police.
But Deirdre isn’t most girls. [Two great lines.]
If she wants to ever see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone. As Deirdre sets off to find it, she discovers an alternate Paris where myth meets reality. Good thing she meets some knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Sean, and mild-mannered neighbor, Luc. [Do one or both of them play a large romantic interest? If not, then I agree you don’t need to mention them, but if there is a lot of romance, then I think that’s important to know.]
The creatures, she learns, are faeries descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and use it to rekindle their dwindling life force. Then, they plan to take control of the human world. If Deirdre doesn’t find the stone before they do, there may never again be a place to call home. Not for her. Not for anyone.
MIST is a YA urban fantasy and complete at 89,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s LAMENT[love this comp!] and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. I am an active member of SCBWI. [If you’ve done your homework, any agent you choose would recognize this, but some might prefer it written out.]
I think your concept has a lot of potential and I would definitely want to read it.
Melissa #43 on the Query Blog Hop
Thank you so much, Melissa, for your thorough review. I will definitely make revisions based on your comments. I look forward to reading your query :)
DeleteSixteen-year-old Deirdre Walsh knew that going to stay with her grandfather in Paris was a mistake. Not the Paris part, but the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer. But that becomes the least of her worries when his house gets ransacked on the night she arrives. {I like the beginning - good hook!}
ReplyDeleteSomeone is after the family heirloom—a stone of dubious origin. When pale, clawed men show up at the Opera House and chase Deirdre up to the roof before shifting into birds, Deirdre knows the stone is no ordinary trinket. After she manages to slip out of her aggressors’ grasp, they take her grandfather instead. {I like the story so far, but I'm not getting a feel for who the main character is like}
Most girls would go straight to the police.
But Deirdre isn’t most girls. {A little vague - just because she doesn't go to the police, doesn't mean much - a lot of people don't go to the police for many different reasons - does she fear them? Think they won't believe her?}
If she wants to ever see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone. {How?}
As Deirdre sets off to find it, she discovers an alternate Paris where myth meets reality. {Nice!}
Good thing she meets some knights-in-(not so)-shining armor {I love the voice here - if you can add that to the rest of the query, I feel like it'll make it really awesome and might give more of an idea as to what kind of character Deirdre is!}
in sexy bad boy, Sean, and mild-mannered neighbor, Luc. {Again - nice!}
The creatures, she learns, are faeries descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and use it to rekindle their dwindling life force. Then, they plan to take control of the human world. If Deirdre doesn’t find the stone before they do, there may never again be a place to call home. Not for her. Not for anyone. {Love the stakes, and they're very clear!}
Hope this helps!
Good luck! :)
Thanks, Magali, for your critique. It's very helpful and I will definitely incorporate your suggestions in my revisions. BTW, are you French?
DeleteThis novel sounds like a rad time. :) Paris and hot boys and faeries, I love it already!
ReplyDeleteMajor comment: Tighten up the language. There's a lot of words you can leave out to make the sentences read stronger: for example: going to stay versus staying with. "he'll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer" versus "he'll ruin her summer with ridiculous rules, like ____".
You can also punch up the language like so :"Sixteen-year-old Deirdre Walsh knew that bunking up with her grandfather in Paris was going to be borefest." "Manages to slip out of her aggressors' grasp" is another example of places to punch up
Line by line comments:
- "Not the Paris part, but the part " - part is used twice too closely together
- "Opera House " - why are we at the Opera House now? how much longer after she arrives does this happen?
- "But Deirdre isn’t most girls." -- she isn't LIKE most girls
- "she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone." - up until here, I don't know who has the stone or where it is. Why do they think her family has it? When the clawed men show up to chase her, I assume she has it. I would make this clearer up front.
- " she discovers an alternate Paris " - how does this happen? an underworld? This wording makes me think she steps into a portal or something
- "The creatures, she learns, are faeries " -- love this, but I feel like this paragraph should be switched in order with the one before it. This information comes a little too late, after you've already set me off on some grand adventure with hot boys.
Thanks, Karrie, for your review! It's hugely helpful :) You are not the first to be confused about who has the stone, I definitely need to clear that up.
ReplyDeleteHi Laurence,
ReplyDeleteKim at #45 stopping by. Love your story... sounds like a fantastic read. I have a few comments/suggestions:
Sixteen-year-old Deirdre Walsh knew that going to stay with her grandfather in Paris was a mistake. Not the Paris part, but the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer. But that becomes the least of her worries when his house gets ransacked on the night she arrives. {Great intro... I agree with other comments that "part" shouldn't be used twice. Also, seems like you shift tense from Deidre "knew" to "he'll come up with." Maybe "he'd come up with" would read smoother here?}
Someone is after the family heirloom—a stone of dubious origin. When pale, clawed men show up at the Opera House and chase Deirdre up to the roof before shifting into birds, Deirdre knows the stone is no ordinary trinket. {Like others, not sure how she ended up at the Opera House. Is it still the night she arrives?} After she manages to slip out of her aggressors’ grasp, they take her grandfather instead. {Aggressors' grasp sounds awkward. Is it one aggressor? Then it's aggressor's grasp. Is it more? Then is it aggressors' grasps? If you can change this I think it would read better.}
Most girls would go straight to the police.
But Deirdre isn’t {like} most girls. {I like this part. Not sure it needs to be on two separate lines though?}
If she wants to ever see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone. As Deirdre sets off to find it, {whoa, where is it? I thought her family had it?} she discovers an alternate Paris where myth meets reality. Good thing she meets some knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Sean, and mild-mannered neighbor, Luc.{I kind of stumbled over the "Good thing" start to this sentence. I think your hyphens might be out of place? Would it be knights in not-so-shining-armor?}
The creatures, she learns, are faeries descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and use it to rekindle their dwindling life force. Then, they plan to take control of the human world. {These two sentences could be shortened and combined. I would start with "She learns the creatures are faeries who have descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and use it to rekindle their dwindling life force and take control of the human world."}If Deirdre doesn’t find the stone before they do, there may never again be a place to call home. Not for her. Not for anyone.
MIST is a YA urban fantasy and complete at 89,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s LAMENT and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. {Love it when authors use comp titles!} I am an active member of SCBWI.
I think you've done a great job of describing the stakes and building tension. I'm a little confused about the grandfather. Does she set off on an adventure to find him and the stone or is she planning on trading him for the stone? Good luck on your publishing journey!
Thank you so much, Kim, for your comments! By now, it is very clear that I need to clarify a few things to avoid confusing my readers. This query blog hop has been so helpful! Thanks again for your time :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Laurence! Sorry I haven't gotten here sooner, but nevertheless, here are my thoughts on your query:
ReplyDelete"Not the Paris part, but the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer." - I really like the first part of this sentence, but the part about her grandfather coming up with rules and ruining her summer just doesn't flow right to me. Maybe you could say something like, "Not the Paris part, but the part where all his rules interfere with her summer fun."
I think you could avoid the repetition of her name in the second paragraph - you've got it twice in one sentence. But I love the lines about how most girls would go to the police, but she isn't most girls. Fantastic.
I think you've got a lot of great advice here already, and I hope you have good luck with this!
Hi, Laurence! Sorry I haven't gotten here sooner. Working 50-55 hours a week is more time-consuming than I remembered. Here we go:
ReplyDeleteSixteen-year-old Deirdre Walsh knew that going to stay with her grandfather in Paris was a mistake. Not the Paris part, but the part where he’ll come up with ridiculous rules and ruin her summer. But that becomes the least of her worries when his house gets ransacked on the night she arrives.(Great hook here. I'm intrigued).
Someone is after the family heirloom—a stone of dubious origin. When pale, clawed men(umm, those sound awesome) show up at the Opera House and chase Deirdre up to the roof before shifting into birds, Deirdre knows the stone is no ordinary trinket. After she manages to slip out of her aggressors’ grasp, they take her grandfather instead (There was a whole lot happening. First off, she got kidnapped and then got away. This was a little confusing at first, but I'm okay with it).
Most girls would go straight to the police.
But Deirdre isn’t most girls (She isn't? Why? You've given nothing so far to think that she's exceptional. Doesn't want her grandfather to ruin her plans--pretty typical. I like knowing she could be something exceptional while having typical feelings, but I need something to indicate she's more than).
If she wants to ever see her grandfather again, she needs to trick those creatures into thinking she has the stone. As Deirdre sets off to find it, she discovers an alternate Paris where myth meets reality(What? Alternate Paris?! Heck, yes! I'm in! Also reminds me of V.E. Schwab's adult fantasy A Darker Shade of Magic that comes out next year). Good thing she meets some knights-in-(not so)-shining armor in sexy bad boy, Sean, and mild-mannered neighbor, Luc(I personally hope this isn't a love triangle, but I'm so ridiculously over them. They get done so often in YA know it feels like a default setting. This may not happen here, but this is what the introduction of those two boys makes me think of).
The creatures, she learns, are faeries descended upon Paris to reclaim the stone and use it to rekindle their dwindling life force. Then, they plan to take control of the human world. If Deirdre doesn’t find the stone before they do, there may never again be a place to call home. Not for her. Not for anyone.(Okay, good, stakes. I was interested, but was wondering where the stakes were. They're very clear here).
MIST is a YA urban fantasy and complete at 89,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s LAMENT and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. I am an active member of SCBWI.(I've heard it mentioned before in a couple of different query advice pieces (which of course I don't remember where I found them now) that it isn't wise to use super popular authors are your comps, but I think your choices are spot on regardless of that).
Good luck!